SO I haven’t written in a very long time. Life has changing drastically here in El Paso. I’ve been accepted to Bike and Build for the summer and I possibly have a new love interest. I feel like I am making great head way at work, and my first grant that I have ever written was approved.
All in all though, I feel really uncertain and overwhelmed (Yeah, not what you were expecting, haha). I feel like I am getting answers from everyone to take it one day at a time, which is what I should be doing, but I am still stressed about everything. I am anxious about fundraising for Bike and Build, as everyone usually is; the last couple of days though I have woke up telling myself that I am going to bike across the country. I’m hoping that this will keep motivating me. I am also uncertain about the new guy in my life; he is a great guy, teaches English at a local high school, interesting, someone that I can learn a lot from, etc. The thing is that my AmeriCorps term ends in three months and Bike and Build starts in six, after that my future is still uncertain and I feel like our future goals may be very different. I still want to see the world, and I want to do it now. I want to be out of the country by the end of next year, but I feel like my dreams may have to wait with the weight of my students loans on my back.
I for some stupid reason am waiting for everything to go up in flames and to fail. Why do I expect myself to fail? The more I ask myself what I am failing at, the more I feel like I am missing out on opportunities. I’m not sure how to relax for one second. Every time a bunch of really good things are happening in my life, I start to feel the anxiety rising. I should just be happy, but I feel like I can’t have both my traveling dreams/career goals working with refugees and a relationship. I know that sacrifices are a daily trial, but it’s really starting to piss me off.
That being said, yes, I am probably staying in El Paso until the end of May or June when I leave for Bike and Build. I still have time to apply for different things and see where this relationship goes, but I, like most of us, want to know if it’s going to work out now. I don’t want to be patient; patience sucks.
I feel like posts after so long in between should be nice and sweet, but this is not. Whatever. Please comment; remind me that I’m being selfish and stubborn and that I need to get a grip because my conscience is having a hard time convincing my hand to slap myself in the face.
