Selfishness does not bring about change.

I'm not sure when I wrote this, maybe a couple weeks ago. I wrote it on a piece of mail when I just had to get it out of my head.

Sometimes I find myself feeling so ungrateful, so selfish. Feeling like so many other people get everything while I had to fend for myself, getting so mad at God for leaving me out. Then I just have to slap myself in the face and say WAKE UP, ELAYNA, WAKE UP! You have no idea what real suffering is. Be so grateful that God has not given you so much, that he has shown you some of the evil of this world. You understand the hate and greed and envy of others. You have felt it, but He has also showed you wisdom. The empathy that goes with understanding the sadness of others.

More and more I see why God chose the path he did for me. I would not feel the pain of others, the compassion I have in my heart, if it were not for the pain I felt growing up through the years. More things come together each day, but I still tend to forget some of His greatest lessons, that of humility and love. Love is never ungrateful.

I am one of the most independent people I know. Would I still be the person I am today if I had been spoonfed everything? Maybe a bit because I tend to rebel against the people who try to control me. I don't know. I'm just happy that God maybe about to use me. I figured out a little while ago that God doesn't need me or anyone else; He's God! But, He can chose to use me for his good works, and I hope that he does because He is my hope in this world that can be so unforgiving.